Attack of the Killer Baby: The Screenplay
sc. 1
Title: Attack of the Killer Baby
sc. 2
(Baby born, go to Chernobyl, get big, frozen in Baltic)
sc. 3
-AM 10:49
-August 22, 1997
-Minnesota, Press Conference
(A press conference with one person at a podium -Bill-, and one
person in a chair -Joe-)
Bill- And in conclusion, the invention of donut holes has greatly improved
the efficiency of the donut production, as a whole, by not wasting
so much dough.
(Bill shuffles papers)
Bill- Any questions? Joe.
Joe- Yeah! Can I go to the bathroom?
Bill- Yes, write out a bathroom pass and I'll sign it for you.
(Bob & Dick walk into the room.)
Dick- Bob?
Bob- Yes Dick?
Dick- Look inconspicuous, Bob, maybe no one will notice our abscense for
the first half of this press conference.
Bob- Glasses Dick?
Dick- Yes Bob.
(Bob & Dick put on glasses and slide into chairs behind the podium. Bill turns to Bob.)
Bob- Any body miss us Bill?
Bill- Only the fruit, Bob. Only the fruit.
(Bill points to a bowl of fruit (or Joe?). Joe runs up)
Joe- Sign my pass, I gotta go!
(Bill signs the pass, and Joe runs out.)
Bill- Did you bring the top secret files I asked you to?
Bob- Yes Bill, and a tape on polish fishing ships.
Dick- You mean the one with the giant tuna?
Bob- No, Dick, we saw that one last week. Lets watch.
(Bob puts a tape in the VCR)
Bob- Dick, will you please do the honors.
Dick- Bob. Right here? In front of Bill?
Bob- Dick, just press play.
(Dick presses button on remote control.)
sc. 4
(Boat Off of Polish shores floating around.)
voice one- Kis Yrev si retomnarg ym.
(My Grandmother is very sick.)
voice two- sejases et ra eryu.
(Where are the sausages?)
Voice one- Jases ym skile mum rouw
(You're Mom likes my sausage.)
Voice two- Yderla skoje mum et two pots.
(Stop with the Mom jokes already!)
(a net goes threw the water, it brings up an ice cube, they tow it to shore.)
Voice one- I vor-ship st-in
(What in the lords name was that!)
(TV show goes to fuzz.)
Dick- That's all that we know for now, Bill.
Bill- So why are you bringing me into this?
Bob- Because, Bill, You're the best pastry man we've got.
Dick- What Bob is trying to say, Bill, is that we need an under cover agent
in Poland. You're front will be to set up a donut factory called
Willy's Donuts. This will be operation Spot.
Bill- O.K.
sc. 5
P.M. 3:06
August 22, 1997
Toronto, Canada
(one person -Doug- sitting outside in a cafe, another person -Martha- comes
into view with a suitcase. She slides the briefcase under the table. Doug
takes it, opens it up, and pulls out donuts and pictures.)
Doug- Good donuts. They remind me of chopping wood.
Martha- We received these pictures from the CIA's satellites.
Doug- Ah yes, the Canadian Intelligence Agency, it has been long since they
have hired us. In fact, it has been long since I have chopped wood.
Martha- They believe that the Pollacks have discovered the perfect weapon.
Doug- Why don't they do it themselves, I mean, I chop wood by myself all
the time.
Martha- If we were to be caught, there would be no evidence of our
involvement with the CIA. Your job will be to eliminate these two...
(Martha pulls out two pictures -Bob & Dick-)
Martha- ...while I make preparations for our little escapade.
Doug- It is not safe to meet at the same place twice, just as it is not safe
to chop with a dull axe. I will be in touch with you.
(Doug leaves with case.)
sc.6
Poland Secret Agency (PSA) Headquarters
(Heat lamps & large ice cube)
Voice one- Kat ti lou nol wo.
(How long will it take?)
Voice two- Ris, sade rom ert.
(Three more days , sir.)
(Clock countdown starts, 3:00:00:00)
sc. 7
P.M. 10:11
August 22, 1997
Somewhere over the Atlantic
(Shows a helicopter take off, Bob and Dick are inside)
Bob- Hey Dick, where's Bill?
Dick- Uh oh.
(the helicopter turns around)
sc. 8
A.M. 5:38
August 23, 1997
Polish Airport
(Bob, Dick, and Bill get off the helicopter)
Dick- Sorry about that Bill.
Bill- That's O.K. I met some nice fellows with shaved heads, and
they converted me.
(He holds up a Johovas witness card)
Bill- See, Dick.
Dick- Yes I do, Bill.
(he holds up a card too)
Bob- Here's a map of Poland, Bill. We will be centering are search around
Warsaw. That is where the Willy's donut factory will be.
(He points to a spot on the map)
Dick- Try, "To Blend In."
Bill- No thanks I don't smoke, Dick.
(Bob and Dick walk off one way, Bill walks the other way. There is a
cigarette add behind them.)
sc. 9
PSA Headquarters
(Shows clock 2:20:25:04)
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A.M. 2:23
August 23, 1997
Toronto, Canada
(The phone rings, Martha wakes up.)
Martha- Hello?
Voice- I got the tickets you sent me, I'm in Poland.
Martha- Where are you?
Voice- I'm in Poland, I used the tickets you sent me.
Martha- Did you get tickets I sent you?
Voice- Yes Martha.
sc. 11
A.M. 8:24
August 23, 1997
Warsaw, Poland
Doug- I followed Bob & Dick to the wood cutters hotel.
Martha- Have you found Bob & Dick?
Doug- Yes.
Martha- When will you kill them?
Doug- Tonight, while they sleep, with an axe.
Martha- And I thought you were the only one. I'll be there in twelve hours.
sc. 12
AM 8:24
August 23, 1997
Warsaw, Poland
(Bob & Dick go door to door looking for a really big ice cube. Fastforward)
Bob- Excuse me, but have you by any chance seen a very large ice cube laying around.
(Dinura ginal buke si gral yrev a nees ekr~-ahc ina yb ow vae tub, em sux.)
Person- Oon.
(No.)
(Bob turns to Dick)
Bob- What did he just say, Dick?
(Dick, yas suj eh did toaw.)
Dick- He said, no thanks, Bob, I've already got one.
(No tog yderla vy, bob, sknat oon, dais eh.)
Bob- Wow! He even knew my name.
(Mane ym woonk neev eh. Wow!)
(Another house)
Person- Oon.
(The person holds up a bowl of fruit. B & D stand there, not saying a word,
the person shuts the door.)
(Next house, a little boy answers.)
Dick- Hello, little boy, are your parents home?
Boy- They're busy right now.
(Boy runs off, shower turns on, he comes back.)
Boy- They're in the shower right now.
Bob- that's too bad. Hey, how do you know English?
Boy- Oon?
(next house.)
Dick- Hello...
Person- Ik von shniden!
(My God! It's a Johovas Witness!)
(Person slams door)
Bob- Dick, this is getting us nowhere.
Dick- Bob, I do believe that you are correct. Wait, I have an idea, let us
go visit Bill.
sc. 13
PSA Headquarters
(2:13:11:96)
(Water pooling under large ice cube in warehouse.)
sc. 14
P.M. 3:57
August 23, 1997
Wily's donut factory, Poland
Bill- Bob, the factory is operational
Bob- Good, Bill, have a jelly?
Bill- No thanks, Bob, I've already got one.
(Bob puts a jelly donut back in his pocket)
Dick- Bill, we need another operative to run this operation personally.
Bill- Okay, Dick, I've got someone in mind. Her name is Jane.
(Jane walks in.)
Jane- Hi, my name is Jane, with six z's.
Bob- Hey, I've got a cousin with six z's in her name.
Dick- Here is the mission breifing video to fill you in on the details of the
crisis.
(cut to shot with a TV, fuzz, zoom out)
Dick- ...And that's all that we know at the moment.
Jane- Is there anything else I need to know?
Bob- Well, Jane, the Polish are harboring a large ice cube in Poland.
Jane- And...
Bob- Well, Jane, it's really big.
Jane- And...
Bob- Well, we can't find it.
Jane- Oh, now I see, you're a bunch of morons.
(Bob is chewing gum, Dick is playing with a yo-yo, Bill is sleeping with his
thumb in his mouth.)
sc. 15
P.M. 8:03
August 23, 1997
Wood Cutters Hotel, Poland
(Outside shot of WCH, strange dark figure approaches with an axe. Cut to
lobby)
Desk person- Your room is number 10b. Here is the key. Check out is at noon,
and breakfast is served inbetween dinner and lunch.
Bob- Thank you. You know your English is excellent.
Desk person- Oon?
(Cut to hallway of the hotel)
Bob- What room are we Dick?
Dick- Room 4a Bob, weren't you paying any attention?
Bob- Sorry, DICK, but I don't speak polish.
Dick- You didn't have to call me a Dick.
(Bob and Dick arrive at their room)
Dick- Hey our key doesn't fit this lock.
(Bob looks at the key)
Bob- Yea, and they got their numbers wrong too.
Dick- Maybe the door is just jamed.
(Dick kicks open the door)
(Dark figure is talking to the clerk)
Desk person- room 10b, but I can't give you a key.
(a dollar bill is thrown on the desk. Person looks both ways and pretends to
drop the key over the desk. The dark figure picks it up.)
Bob- Hey Dick were is the soap?
Dick- What do you need soap for?
Bob- Too wash my cut outs.
(camera zooms out and Bob and Dick walk on. Dick opens the shower door.)
Dick- It appears that your cardboard cut outs are clean enough Bob.
Bob- Okay Dick. Let me hang these things out to dry.
(Dick looks at a clock)
Dick- We better get into bed. It's late, and we have to get up early
tomorrow to meet Bill and Jane.
(Bob and dick walk into the other room. There are two people in bed.)
Bob- Dick, your going to have to get your manikins out of bed.
Dick- Okay Bob. Put on the Learn Polish Over Night tape.
Bob- Sure thing Dick.
(Bob puts in a tape and presses play. They both pull back their covers and
get into bed. One half of the bed is showing. It zooms out and they are in
separate beds. Bob turns out the light.)
Tape- Oon ... No thanks, Bob, I've already got one.
(Doug runs into room 10b, hacks up bed, feathers fly around.)
Doug- Hey! Where are they? They must have known I was coming.
(He leaves the room and wipes his fingerprints off the door knob)
sc. 16
A.M. 7:11
August 24, 1997
Wily's donut factory, Poland
Jane- I know how to find the big ice cube.
(Bob, Dick, & Bill are eating donut's.)
Dick- What is it, Jane.
Jane- Well, lets see. How would you melt a gigantic block o' ice?
Bob- Breathe on it!
Bill- Sit on it!
Dick- Put it in the microwave!
(Jane glares in disbelief. BDB smile really big.)
Jane- Okay, lets take a new route, what does it take to melt an ice cube.
Bob- More ice!
Bill- Water!
Dick- A microwave!
(Jane rubs her temple. BDB smile real big.)
Jane- Come on guys! it starts with an H, ends with a T.
Bob- Hoot. Give a hoot, don't pollute!
Bill- Water!
Dick- A microwave!
Jane- Heat!, the answer is heat! Are you really that stupid?
(BDB smile really big. Jane walks out.)
Bill- Did she say heat, or heart?
Bob- I think she said heart.
Dick- Are you sure she didn't say microwave?
sc. 17
PSA Headquarters
1:18:12:02
sc. 18
A.M. 10:20
August 24, 1997
The wood cutters hotel, Poland
Martha- How could they have known you were coming? There must be some
reasonable explanation for this.
Doug- Perhaps the hotel was a set up, to see if anyone was following them.
They may know that we're here.
Martha- We have underestimated the intelligence of our opponents. It won't
happen again!
sc. 19
A.M. 11:07
August 24, 1997
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bill- Hey Jane, this is a great idea of coming up in a blimp.
Voice- Sork terts fifyewent na drit rew crous tia gral a si reht.
(There is a large heat source were third and twenty-fifth street
intersection)
Jane- Oon.
Bob- So Jane, what do we do now?
Jane- We return to the hotel and plan for a reconnaissance mission.
Bill- This is so we can see what we're up against and plan our final siege
to capture this super weapon, Bob.
Dick- Yes, quite right Bill. But what if there is no secret weapon. And its
just an enormous block of ice?
Bob- Then we report this to the president as an unneeded foreign affairs
mission and get reassigned to a more productive project.
Jane- You guys feel pretty good about yourselves don't you?
(BDB are all smiling really big)
Dick- Si, si y la propina es muy cara ademas.
Jane- Hay no.
(Jane rubs her temples)
sc. 20
PSA headquarters
Voice- Ere raw ew wonk yet.
(They know we are here)
Voice 2- Sue yebow aught tub, soich on va lou yet net na noos det limb eb
lou sci et gyro to nod.
(Don't worry the ice will be melted soon and then they will have no choice,
but to obey us.)
(Sinister laughing begins.)
Timer: (1:16:12:02)
sc. 21
P.M. 8:55
August 24, 1997
CIA Underground Installation (Bill's Basement)
(Small, dark room, with one swinging light from ceiling, a small round table
with a map on it. Figures close around.)
Bob- Okay, here is the plan... Dick and I, group A, will enter through the
sewer, and come up next to this generator. Group B, Jane and Bill,
cause a diversion, distracting the guards, so that they won't here
us breaking into the complex.
P.M. 8:56
August 24, 2001
CIA Underground Installation (Doug's Basement)
Doug- Once we're inside, we will disengage the generator's main drive, and
once the power grid is down...
Bob- We'll then proceed to the security deck, level 2, and paralyze the
anti-terrorist system...
Doug- Because if we don't, there will be hell to pay. Now that they're def
and blind, we can move on to the PSA control center, where...
Bob- We will take out our main opposition, using pure skill of ...
Doug- Hand to hand combat, once all of our foes have been eliminated, we
will open the bay doors ...
Bob- For easy access to the object, where a C-130 cargo plane from the 166th
airlift group will transport it to...
Doug/Bob- U.S./Canada
sc. 22
PSA Headquarters
Timer: 0:15:12:02
sc. 23
P.M. 5:31
August 25, 1997
PSA Headquarters
(Bob & Dick hop down to the sewer entrance, go inside, walk down, stop,
unroll a map, pull out a pen light, look at map)
Dick- We've got 1.7 miles,
(Looks at watch)
Dick (cont.) - Éand 28 minutes to cover that distance, Bob, at which point
Bill and Jane will cause the distraction.
Bob- Okay, DICK, show it to me ...
(Dick reaches into his pants and pulls out a big gun)
Bob- Is it loaded?
Dick- Oh yeah... It's loaded!
sc. 24
(Cut to shot of Bill & Jane, Jane is holding a grenade, and Bill is holding
a gun)
Bill- I like the way your grenade glistens in the moonlight ...
Jane- No, we must stop this foolishness, I'll bet Bob & Dick are already at
their checkpoint, and preparing. While we are sitting here playing
with each others weapons ...
sc. 25
(Cut back to Bob & Dick)
Bob- Can I touch it?
sc. 26
(cut to doug & martha, they are running in sewer)
Martha- We're almost there ...
Doug- Good, we're right on schedule.
sc. 27
(cut to Bill & Jane)
Jane- Alright, I'll take out one with the grenade, and you will get the
other...
Bill- With Josie ...
(Bill brandishes a big gun)
Jane- No! That will be too loud!
Bill- I've got a silencer...
Jane- No, still too noisy, here, pull the tab on this can and throw it at
any of the remaining guards.
Bill- What is it?
Jane- Mustard Gas, it will kill all of them whithin a twenty foot radius.
Bill- Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, okay, whatever, but what about us?
Jane- That is why we have these.
(Jane shows him two gas masks)
Bill- Great! I'll just put it in with the rest of these cans that look
exactly the same, that way, it won't be too obvious.
Jane- Brilliant idea, Bill. Let's go.
(Bill puts the can in his cart full of cans, he is disguised as a bum, by
the way)
sc. 28
(Bobo & Dicky running through sewer)
Bob- Are we there yet?
Dick- *sigh* No.
Bob- Are we there yet?
Dick- *sigh* No.
Bob- I have to go to the bathroom!
sc. 29
(cut to Doug & Martha)
Martha- Wait, shh, did you here that?
Doug- *sigh* No.
sc. 30
(cut back to Bob & Dick)
Dick- Niagara Falls ...
Bob- Shut up.
Dick- Flowing gallons of pure ...
Bob- Shut up man, just shut up!
Dick- Wait, shh, do you hear that noise?
(Pissing noise)
Bob- Uuu, what noise.
Dick- Nothing, it must have been my imagination. We're here.
sc. 31
Timer: 0:03:12:02
sc. 32
(cut to bill and jane. Bill is walking down the street with a shopping cart
and he stops and looks in a trash can. Jane Comes along with a carriage. She
drops a grenade in it and Bill picks up a soda can.)
Jane- Save my Gren.... baby.
(She trips and the carriage roles away. One of the guards goes to save it
and is blown to ittybitty pieces. Doug pulls the tab on two cans and throws
them at the guards. The guard looks vary confused.)
sc. 33
(cut to guards playing poker)
Guard 1- ?Ginytimos ere ow did
(did you here something)
Guard 2- Wan.
(Naw)
sc. 34
(cut back to Bill and Jane)
Bill- Gall dang it!
(Bill pulls out his gun and blows the guard away. Smoke starts to come out
of the shopping cart.)
Bill- Uh... Jane?
sc. 35
(cut to the guards)
Guard 1- ?Eysion FOOP lambs tat ere ow did
(Did you here that small foop noise?)
Guard 2- Degatta recknellis a to nug a kill eyleticax deadnouse ti eysion
FOOP lambs tat ere did I say?
(Yes I did here that small foop noise it sounded exactly like a gun with a
silencer attached)
Guard 1- Ti fo leh et rofe tsudge yahyinay mralah et denous stell tub torn
et fo WILD FOOPING BEAVER et neebe vah owslaw va delolouke ti.
(It could have also have been the WILD FOOPING BEAVER of the north but lets
sound the alarm anyway just for the hell of it.)
(the guards go and pull a lever, and sirens and lights go off.)
sc. 36
(cut to Bobo and Dicky. Dick looks at his watch)
Bob- It is time to go Dick.
Dick- OK. On three.
(they both climb out of the sewer)
sc. 37
(cut to Doug and Martha)
Doug- OK. Go on C.
(They both climb out of the sewer.)
sc. 38
(Bob and Dick start walking toward the main building. They here guns cock
many times)
Doug- Turn around fast and jerkily.
(Bob and Dick turn around vary fast, and vary jerkily. Doug lowers his gun
at Bob. There is a shot, and Bob falls over, Dick rushes to his side.)
Dick- Are you all right? Bob?
Bob- I'm just fine, Dick. Loud noises have always made me fall down.
Martha- Doug?
(Doug is drooling, and he falls on his face. Jane is standing behind him
with a lowered gun.)
Martha- Doug, are you OK?
Dick- Boy, am I glad to see you, Jane.
Martha- Jane? You wouldn't happen to spell it with six Z's?
Jane- Why yes, I do.
Martha- WOW. I never met anyone with six Z's in their name. Impressive,
especially with a name like Jane.
Bob- Uhh, guys, were is Bill?
Martha- I think he went to the bathroom.
Bob- Oh yeah!
(Bob runs off)
Jane- You know something, I've never seen Doug's face.
Martha- You Know, neither have I.
(Dick walks over and rolls the body over.)
Dick- Well ... He's dead. Just well ... he's just, dead.
(Bill and Bob come jogging up. They glance at the body and then reach the
others. You can see Dougs breath)
Jane- Hey Martha, step into the light ...
(Martha steps into the light, it is Bob, somewhat)
Bill- *whispers to Bob* That is one butt-ugly chick.
Bob- I don't know, I think she's kinda cute.
(A shot is heard, everyone looks around, a few seconds later, Martha grabs
her chest, and falls to the ground. Everyone scatters in different
direction, Doug's "corpse" is missing. A guard steps where Doug was. Martha
pulls out a gun and shoots the guard, he sits down next to Martha, and they
start to talk.)
Martha- Hi.
Guard 1- Hi.
Martha- So, you can speak English?
Guard 1- No, but I try.
Martha- Nice night, isn't it?
sc. 39
(cut to Doug, he is standing next to a control panel that is next to a big
hand. A screen says "Defrost 00:00:02:30 please enter access code:" Doug
shoots the computer. The old siren stops, and a new one sounds, a voice is
heard, "In the case of a complete equipment failure, all command will be
transferred to a manual override box." Doug looks to the left, and there is
a large yellow and black striped box that says "Manual Override Box" A knob
on says "Low, Medium, High", it is set to medium, he puts it at high.
Another alarm sounds "In ten minutes this complex will suffer from an
internal meltdown" Doug rips off the knob. Jane and Bill run in.)
Bill- Hold it right there Doug!
(Doug turns around smiling really big, and shooting, a lot. Bill and Jane
hit the floor, a lot. Doug looks at his guns clip, it is very long, a lot.
He throws the gun at them, a lot.)
Bill- Ow!
(Bill falls over unconscience, a lot. Doug runs away, a lot. Jane spends, a
lot, of time aiming at Doug as he runs away, a lot.)
sc. 40
(Cut to Bob & Dick in a car.)
Bob- How do you get these damn foreign cars to accelerate, Dick?
(Bob floors it, the car goes backward, and runs over something. Bob looks
out the window.)
sc. 41
(Cut back to Jane, She stops, looks around confused, gives up.)
sc. 42
(Cut back to Bob & Dick. Dick walks out of the car, looks at legs under car,
witch just happen to have black & green striped leggings and ruby red
*sparkling* shoes.)
Dick- Oooooohhhhh...
sc. 43
P.M. 2:10
August 26, 1997
Somewhere over Idaho, Spain
(The Dick-Mobile -a helicopter- is flying around.)
Dick- Well, I hope Bill & Jane have a good time closing up Wily's donut
factory.
Bobo- Yeah, and I hope the gigantic baby gets home alright too.
Dicky- Yeah.
Bobo- Change the station, it's nothing but static.
sc. 44
(Cut to C-141b. Pilot is loosing control, the plane seems to be shaking. He
is radioing for help.)
Pilot- May Day! May Day! We re going down! I repeat, we are going down! The
bird has flown the coop!
Co-Pilot- What!
Pilot- I don't know, it just sounded fun!
Co-pilot- Why aren't Bob and Dick responding!?
sc. 45
(Cut to Bob & Dick, who are "Flyin' to the oldies". Bobo and Dickey are
singing along.)
sc. 46
A.M. 7:00
August 27, 1997
Washington P.U.
(There's a guy walking into an office.)
Guy- Where's the President?
Buck- He's busy.
(nintendo sounds in the background)
Guy- Good, he doesn't need to hear this. Is everyone here.
Everyone- Yes
Other Guy- Hello Guy.
Guy- who the hell is that?
Third Guy- I, don't, know.
Buck- That's not important. Guy, what do you have?
Third Guy- Laringitis?!
(sets down a fisher price tape recorder)
Other Guy- A tape recorder?
Guy- It has a tape in it.
Third Guy- Push play!
Guy- I was getting to that. (clears throat) Gentlemen we've got a crisis on
our hands. It involves the polish super weapon. During the past week
four of our agents were sent to poland, to retrieve the weapon. They
accomplished this successfully, but while in transport to the
undrground Death Valley research facility there was a malfunction,
and the only clue to what happened lies on this single tape.
(He drops the tape and it breaks)
Third Guy- Ooooooo .....
Guy- Where did that come from? Oh well the tapes in the player.
(Guy pushes play)
Tape- * may day * going down * repeat bird ** coop * what? don't ** just *
fun ** Bob * Dick heating ** baby
(Guy pushes pause)
Guy- The boys over at N-S-A have attempted to reconstruct the message too
its original content. There usually is up to a 5% margin of error.
(unpause)
Tape- Guess what, Penny's is having a -May Day- sale. All the prices are -
going down-. It won't be -repeat- ed until next spring. The early -
bird- will get first pick. So don't stay -cooped up and come on
down.
(Guy stops the tape)
Guy- Why don't we just ignore those NSA guys and stick to what we know, and
go to their last known destination.
(Bob & Dick land, walk into the white house, and into the conference.)
Bob- So, what have we missed, guys?
Guy- There is only one of me!
Buck- Why didn't you two respond to the cargo plane distress signal.
Guy- I'm not that fat!
Bob- Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Dick- Weeee ... Wereee ... Just getting to that, but , uhh, had to pick up
Bob's tape, yeah, that's it.
(Dick picks up the smashed tape.)
Dick- We'll be going right about now...
(Bob and Dick leave.)
Third Guy- Jessssseeeeee, GUY, you don't be so touchy. Your just big boned.
sc. 47
P.M. 12:09
August 33, 1997
Arizona
(Bob & Dick land on a beach with a C-141b cargo plane in the background.
They get out and see the pilot & co-pilot sitting in lawn chairs and
drinking.)
Dick- Hey guys, where's the baby?
(Co-pilot slaps himself on the forehead.)
sc. 48
P.M. 12:13
August 27, 2010
California - Arizona Border
(An automobile is stopped near the border. Someone inside hears a large -
wump-, looks over, sees a glass of water shaking. Another -wump- is heard,
the person picks up a flashlight and shines it out the window, where a large
eye can be found. The automobile is stepped on, and thrown over a border
sign. A happy giggle may be heard -from baby, in case you hadn't guessed.)
sc. 49
P.M. 12:16
August 27, 1997
Arizona
(The copilot is intently studying the chinese finger-cuffs which seem to be
stuck. The pilot is drinking ice tea and waiting for something that doesn't
seem to be happening. Bob and Dick's helicopter takes off in the background)
sc. 50
A.M. 7:00
8-28-97
San Diego, California
(Bob and Dick land. They are walking down a hallway, that doesn't seem to be
ending any time soon.)
Bob- Dick, we have an estimated 1.2 days to stop the baby before it reaches
a major population.
(Bob receives a folder and opens it)
Bob- Dr. Fred has prepared us this preliminary report.
(Bob hands the folder to Dick. Dick hands the report to the hand.)
Dick- How do we know that the baby will survive to reach the county line,
Bob?
Bob- It's all in the report, Dick.
(Dick looks around for something that doesn't seem to be there.)
Dick- But what about ...
Bobo- The plan has been detailed in the report, Dick.
(Dicky looks for the thing that's not there again.)
Bobo- Let us proceed now to intercept the baby, Dick.
(Bobo and Dicky get in the bob mobile and drive off)
sc. 51
P.M. once y media P.M.
August 28, 1997
Glamis, California
(Baby reeks havoc. At radio tower)
Radio type person- Looks leyke we gut aresalves unuder ertkwake runnin'
'round bout foo poi tree
(It would appear that we are experiencing an earthquake of a magnitude of
approximately 4.3 on the richter scale.)
(Bob and Dick are driving in the car, with the radio on, by the way.)
Bob- 4.3? Isn't that about ...
(Dick looks in the portfolio.)
Dick- Yes ..............................
(The paper in the portfolio say that "The subject may emit a shockwave
measuring between 4.2 and 4.5 on the richter scale. This is almost always
accompanied by a loud "Wump'ing sound.")
Radio- Wump. OOHH MEE GARSH! NEWWWW!!!
Dick- How long 'till we reach the radio broadcasting station, Bob?
Bob- About five minutes, Dick.
Dick- Floor it, Bob.
Bob- Sure thing, Dick.
(Bob & Dick pull up to a crushed station.)
Dick- Well, I guess we didn't get here on time, Bob.
Bob- Next stop, Seeley.
(Large footsteps are heard in the background, Bob falls down in step with
it. The baby approaches, eats the Bobmobile, walks away. Giggles.)
Dick- Well, looks like we're gonna need another Bobmobile...
Bob- Shutup, Dick.
sc. 52
P.M. 5:25
August 28, 2061
Seeley, California
(The Bobmobile and a sawhorse are sitting out in the road. Bob & Dick are
next to it.)
Bob- That outta stop him...
(The baby walks up, eats the sawhorse, and steps on the car.)
Dick- Uuuuuhhhh, Bob?
Bob- Shutup, Dick.
sc. 53
A.M. 7:00
August 29, 1997
San Diego, California
(Bob & Dick are in an office.)
Dick- The Baby's most likely next stop, Pine Valley, has been evacuated.
Does anybody know why he's coming to San Diego?
Bob- Yes, we do, Dick. The baby seems to have an inner sense as to where his
parents used to live, quite possibly the same as a cat, or a dog
might. He is simply returning to his loving home.
(A hand pops into view with some papers, Bob takes the papers, and reads
them.)
Bob- Thank you, Humusakai. Ohh... Well, screw that theory. The baby actually
has no idea what the hell he is doing, the baby's parents lived in
Oklahoma, when they were alive. Is there any way to connect this
incident with that Big Bird thing a few years back?
Dick- Not really, Bob. These are two completely separated events, excluding
the fact that we're running around trying to stop huge organisms
from reeking havoc in San Diego.
Bob - Ohh...
Dick- Here Bob, let me elaborate. In the Bird incident, a mad scientist
stimulated the pituitary gland greatly in the birds, causing a
greatly increased growth rate. This could be affected by the
substance known as Monosodium Glutamate, you know, the stuff in
twinkies. Now, a genetic mutation has occurred in the Baby, some
time during it's life, and the effect is irreversible.
Bob- You don't say.
(Bob nods knowingly)
Bob- Well, with this recent turn of events I only can foresee two possible
solutions to this movie, I mean incident. 1.) We can capture the
baby, and run scientific experiments on it, probably in the process
causing it irreparable mental damage and overall it would have a bad
time.
Dick- And the second?
Bob- Blow it into itty-bitty pieces and blame it on those damn Canadians.
Dick- Do we also get to deny any knowledge of the incident too?
Bob- Sure Dick, if you really want to.
sc. 54
A.M. 10:52
August 29, 1897
Pine Valley, California
(Baby walks up, and the town is empty)
Bob- The town is completely empty.
Dick- Good, has it been evacuated?
Bob- Yes and the baby has been spotted a mile out of town.
Dick- That's good than I won't wonder why that big slobbering thingy is
eating your car.
(Bob looks over and sees a giant baby eating his car. He looks back at Dick
who is smiling really big)
Bob- Ha, that's not my car. Mine is over there.
(Bob points to his car that is peachy)
Bob- This is the really brilliant bit.
Dick- What is the really brilliant bit?
Bob- You see I knew that he would eat my car so I got a second one, and
booby trapped it. Pretty soon that car will start spiting sleeping
gas and the kid will be out cold.
Dick- Wow, Bob, that is pretty brilliant.
(The baby finishes the car and wanders off in the direction of San Diego.
Bob and Dick are standing there and Dick starts to say something and the Bob
mobile promptly explodes emitting a white gas.)
Dick- Never mind.
Bob- Oh. Darn.
(Bob and Dick collapse)
sc. 55
P.M. 2:08
August 29, 1997
San Diego, California
(The sun is rising and a trail of smoke rises through it. Pan down and shows
the dump and various animal shots)
sc. 56
(Cut to Bob and Dick walking out of a hospital rubbing their temples)
Dick- Two more hours.
Bob- Yep.
Dick- We've tried just about everything.
Bob- Yep
sc. 57
(Cut to somewhere else. A foot steps down and a cable is thrown over it. Two
army guys are pulled into the air and all on the ground.)
sc. 58
(Bob and Dick get into the Bobmobile.)
Dick- Really to bad.
Bob- Yep.
Dick- There going to blow it up aren't they.
Bob- Yep.
Dick- Hey Bob, who's the guy sitting in the back seat of your car?
Bob- Oh, him, that's Mr. Poobly.
Dick- No not the teddy bear, you know its a guy wearing a white coat and one
of those thingys doctors use, they put it on your stomach and
listen, you know a kaleidoscope or something.
(Dr. Fred leans forward and hands Mr. Poobly to Dick.)
Dr. Fred- Hey guys what's happening?
Bob- Hey it's Dr. Fred. How did you get in my car?
Dr. Fred- That's not important right now, but this is.
(He hands them a beaker full of a blue liquid)
Dick- What's that, Dr. Fred?
Dr. Fred- It's uhhhhhhhh this stuff you know, it makes things like get
small.
Dick- Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa no need for scientific explanations here Dr.
Fred. We got to get going.
Bob- Yea. Thanks Dr. Fred.
(Dr. Fred doesn't move)
Dr. Fred- O.K. remember that's the prototype and only vile I have.
Dick- No really you've been a great help.
Dr. Fred- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I see.
(Bob and Dick drive off and Dr. Fred is standing on the curb, and looking
around like he didn't really see what Bob and Dick saw.)
(Cut to Bob and Dick in the car)
Bob- What did he see?
Dick- I don't know, I didn't see it either.
Bob- Time?
Dick- 30 minutes till we can kiss this Baby good buy.
sc. 59
(They get THERE. In the back ground the two army guys get dragged by)
Dick- Quick give me the tranq gun.
Guy- Won't work, tried it already.
Dick- Just give it to me.
Guy- No really it doesn't work, watch.
(Guy tries to hand the gun over and drops it on the ground)
Dick- Damn. You'll have to take this one Bob. Do you think you can do it?
Bob- I don't know Dick, its been a long time since my dart throwing days.
Dick- Your the world champ I know you can do it. Just concentrate. You won
the title back in 83, but then you had to quit the pro circuit after
The Accident.
sc. 60
FLASH BACK (Black and white.)(A crowd is cheering a person throws a dart, it
bounces off a wall and hits Bob in the back of the head)
sc. 61
Bob- Oh yes
(He rubs the back of his head, the accident)
Bob (cont.) - The accident.
Dick- The dart. You'll have to hit him in the thigh while he is stepping
forward.
sc. 62
(ALL IN SLOW MOTION. NO SOUND)
(Bob takes the dart and throws it. A FLASH BACK is mimicking his movements.
And it shows the baby walking. Dr. Fred is searching his pockets CUT dart
CUT Dr.Fred gets out a phone and fumbles with the buttons PAN cracked vile
says "Shrinking Formula" CUT dart CUT Guy drops the phone and yells at them
Cut Dart hits)
sc. 63
(NORMAL MOTION WITH SOUND)
(Bob and Dick are cheering. Guy walks over)
Bob- Wow.
Dick- You still got it Bob. You hit him right on target.
Guy- Darn. Well guys we've got an even bigger problem.
Bob- What, What is it?
Dick- uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .....
(Dick is looking at the vile in his hand)
Bob- What is it?
Guy- Exactly Dick.
Bob- Come on guys, didn't I hit him?
Dick- Yes Bob you hit him, that's the problem. Look.
(Dick shows Bob a vile. Bobs point of view. His hair gets in the way and he
brushes it aside. The vile says "enlarging formula".)
(Bob, Dick, and Guy look up and the Baby is really big. Keep panning until
just sky and there is a cut to the plane.)
sc. 64
(Inside the plane is the pilot & co-pil0t)
Pilot- Hey, Randy, make us some coffee.
Co-pilot (Randy)- Alright, Brenden, but you asked for it.
Pilot (Brenden)- Asked for what?
Co-pilot (Randy)- Coffee, duhhh....
Pilot (Brenden)- Oh yeah. Watch out, turbulence.
(Co-pilot reaches over to a button panel with four buttons -regular, decaf,
arm nuclear missile, detonate nuclear missile-, the plane bumps, co-pilot
(Randy) accidently pushes the arm nuclear missile- button.)
Co-pilot (Randy)- Say, what is turbulence anyway?
Pilot (Brenden)- Well, Randy, according to the most recent edition of the
Webster's Dictionary, turbulence is ...
sc. 65
(Baby reeks havoc in down town, including another car to be wrecked.)
sc. 66
Bob- Well, I guess this is it, the end of the road, the big finale, el fin,
the end, scianara sucka, judgement moment ...
Dick- Bob, shutup
Bob- O.K. I'll be quite now. You won't hear a peep from me. No siree, Bob,
hey that's my name ya know, Bob ...
Guy- An Apache loaded with smart bombs is heading our way.
Bob- No! He can't. What did we do!?
(Dick stands at attention, and salutes the baby)
Dick- Farewell soldier.
sc. 67
(The apache and a series of hornets takes off.)
Pilot voice- Copy zero two nineÕer I've got the baby moving south toward
sector 5k I repeat sector 5k over.
(Pointless plane scene)
Pilot voice- Wait a minute I've got a C-141b heading into that sector, have
them recalled, Now!
sc. 68
(cut to the C-141b)
Pilot- Éand that is what turbulence is.
Co-Pilot- Really, Brenden quite interesting.
(Radar has a big blip on it)
Pilot- Hey I wonder what that is.
Pilot Voice- Evacuate this sector, on the double!
Pilot- Oh no last time I was told to do that .Ummmmm=mmmmmmmm... actually no
one ever told me to do that before.
Voice- Turn star board.
Co-Pilot- Is that up or down?
Pilot- I think he means left.
(He turns left and the baby is strait ahead.)
Pilot- Maybe he meant right. Hold on.
(The plain turns and losses a lot of altitude. Randy stumbles toward the
coffee machine trying to regain his balance.)
Voice- What the hell do you think your doing your going to crash.
(Randy puts his hand out toward Mr. Coffee but misses and is about to hit
the detonate button)
sc. 69
(Bob, Dick, look up at the plane)
(Dr. Fred is playing a heavy drum solo on his knees at the bus stop.)
(Jane and Bill look up)
(Cut to the outside of the plane)
(cut to a San Diego city shot.)
(everything goes white and a message is printed across the screen.)
(EPILOGUE - The unexplained nuclear blast flattened all of San Diego County.
The United States Government believed the warhead to have been a surprise
attack from North Korea. The United States Government declared war followed
by a full nuclear attack. This was met with a counter attack from North
Korea and its allies. This was the beginning of World War III. Three hours
later the war ended. The result was devastating. A dust cloud was sent up
into the atmosphere killing all vegetation, and animals were soon to
follow.)
THE END